Charles Earnest Fitzpatrick, a resident of Lawrenceville, New Jersey, is on a quest for love. His dream woman is tall, self-confident, and caring, and, ideally, a few years older than him There’s only one problem: he’s the oldest man in the…
In an urgent press release last Friday, the White House announced that, due to the trade war with China, the nation would soon be completely out of orange dye. “This includes paper dye, ink, fabric dyes, and the dyes used…
Fed up with the “weak students at this fraud of an institution,” President of Princeton University Chris Eisgruber declared he would be creating a clone army to replace the “sheeple” that make up the student body earlier today. “No more…
What’s up Class of 2023? We know you’re all excited to enter the Orange Bubble and begin your new lives as Princeton students. Obviously, you’ve got a lot to learn, so we’ve put together a little schedule to show what…
In a show of laziness unparalleled in University history, first-year Doug Gander ’23 has yet to secure an internship for the summer after graduation. The shocking news was revealed on Gander’s CA trip when the group began comparing resumes…