University administrators were shocked to learn Tuesday, that piece-of-shit freshman Jeremy Barton had not yet managed to find his own unique niche in Princeton campus life despite having been here a whopping two weeks. “Honestly, we made a mistake in…
If Generation X was the Pepsi Generation, then Millennials are the Consumer Generation. In a world where young people primarily exist in online space, targeted ads are having a greater impact on the way we think, the way we act,…
Princeton sophomore Lydia Emerson was just about to give up any hope of finding a summer internship when she got the glorious news: she had been selected for a highly coveted position at private equity firm Belial, Beelzebub & Lucifer…
After conducting several laboratory experiments and carefully analyzing sound bites from debates, speeches, and advertisements, a highly trained team of computer scientists at the University of Chicago concluded earlier this week that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has failed the…
Los Angeles— Ever since Leonardo DiCaprio won his first Academy Award for his performance in Alejandro González Iñárritu’s The Revenant, rumors have circulated that the well-known actor and philanthropist might finally succeed in losing his virginity. Known for his portrayals…