Holy Shit, Two New Trees
Holy mother of God, there are two brand new trees on campus. Right in front of Nassau Hall, smack-dab in the middle of a chunk of dirt I walk on everyday, is a…
Category News
Dale Grant Awardee: “I Will Journey to the Orient”
On Thursday afternoon, Marcello Romano was named this year’s recipient of the Dale Fellowship. Romano has stated his intention to use the $35,000 award to “journey to the Orient.” Said spokesperson Daniel Palomey, “We received many excellent applications for the…
Elon Musk: I Will Fly a Man Into the Sun
The Sun. Ra. Helios. For millennia, humans have looked up at their own yellow star, marveled at its brilliance, felt its heat on their faces, and dreamed of someday flying a man directly into it. Now I, Elon Musk,…
President Eisgruber Gains Sentience
University Urges Community To Remain Calm Princeton, NJ – A report released from the Office of the Provost earlier today confirmed that University President Christopher Eisgruber has gained sentience. Executive Director of Public Safety Paul Ominsky commented: “I would like to…
My Journalistic Integrity Demands This Scathing Review of Dearest Malcolm’s Lackluster Performance in Rent: the Musical
On Friday night, Princeton’s premier student-run theater organization staged their interpretation of Rent: the Musical. The set design was inspired, the accompaniment moving, and the performances were, with one exception, heartfelt and stirring. However, my integrity as a journalist and…