Big news shook the heavens yesterday as the Universal Regulation and Astronomical Science Society (URASS) decided to remove Cancer from the zodiac. URASS announced the act in response to the tragic alienation of one 16-year-old Madison Blitzberry, who, in the midst of a slumber party horoscope reading, stated that she was a Cancer.
Election watchers of all political stripes were stunned Tuesday night as long-shot Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson decisively carried New Jersey, winning 100 percent of the 73 votes cast throughout the state.
Last Saturday night, Brandon Wilson ’16 took a giant leap into Princeton University lore as he walked east on Prospect Avenue and, rather than take the customary turn at an eating club, courageously continued into the unexplored wilderness beyond Fitzrandolph Road.
Not long after lowering sushi prices after student discontent, Princeton University was forced to raise sushi prices yet again.
Following last month’s tragedy, at least 12 more pieces of classic artwork have fallen victim to contemporary artists. According to investigators, reports of copycat restorations have been coming in around the clock.
