Category News

News

The Bermuda Bubble Diaries

Several days ago, the Coast Guard apprehended Reza Baluchi after he attempted to travel 1000 miles from Florida to Bermuda in a bubble-like contraption that he constructed himself and calls the “Hydro Pod”. Through inside connections, we have obtained his journal entries detailing his epic quest. It is truly the Odyssey of our time.

Former Writers Who Wish To Remain Anonymous
October 10, 2014

News

Total Loser Calls Home Regularly

After just two weeks of college, sources confirm that total pansy Ryan Colter ’18 has already called his family twice to keep in touch and assure them that he is adapting reasonably well to college life.

Jeremy Cohen
September 7, 2014

News

Student Hopes Bridge Year Will Turn Him Into Hookup Machine

Arnold Severus, a moneyed and self-assured male student, has made the decision to apply to Princeton University’s Bridge Year Program, citing hopes that the exotic opportunity will turn him into a “total hookup machine” come fall. “I realize I’m an…

Jeremy Cohen
September 7, 2014

News

Clumsy, Bumbling Green Beret Squad Stabilizes Middle East

After a wholly improbable sequence of events, the uncoordinated, ham-fisted Green Berets of ODA 5327 somehow managed to bring stability and order to the entire Middle East, learning a valuable lesson about the importance of friendship in the process.

Jeremy Cohen
April 1, 2014

News

Suburban Teenager Lives Sustainably by Purchasing Reuseable Coffee Mug

After reading an article on the detrimental effects of pollution on South American rainforests, Stacy Clark, 19, was inspired to reduce her carbon footprint and purchased a reusable coffee mug from Starbucks.

Jeremy Cohen
April 1, 2014