In what has been described by critics as a “Quagmire of Biblical Proportions,” God’s prolonged “War on Evil” enters its three hundred thousandth anniversary next month with record unpopularity, a recent Gallup Poll shows. Of the entire population of Heaven,…
My grandmother died recently and her funeral was very nice. Except for the iridescent pink coffin. Otherwise it was very touching. The singing was nice, sort of a barber-shop quartet done acappella. I was sufficiently disturbed by the pink coffin,…
Walking on a tightrope may have looked fun to people who saw it on the cover of The Prince earlier this month. But it wasn’t challenging enough for some more daring ropists. “Come on, that thing was four feet off…
After famously declaring a few weeks ago that Dumbledore was homosexual, JK Rowling has recently outed several more beloved children’s characters. “Winnie the Pooh is gay, Mother Goose is a lesbian, Santa Claus is a pedophile, Snow White is a…
by the Fifth Quintile Allstar Princeton has long prided itself on its Honor Code and academic integrity, but the Discipline Committee recently announced that they have uncovered a new epidemic sweeping across our institution- Academic Doping. Though there is no…