Cashews
– MF ’19, illustrated by KG ’19
Ana DeJesus
Elon Musk: I Will Fly a Man Into the Sun
The Sun. Ra. Helios. For millennia, humans have looked up at their own yellow star, marveled at its brilliance, felt its heat on their faces, and dreamed of someday flying a man directly into it. Now I, Elon Musk,…
President Eisgruber Gains Sentience
University Urges Community To Remain Calm Princeton, NJ – A report released from the Office of the Provost earlier today confirmed that University President Christopher Eisgruber has gained sentience. Executive Director of Public Safety Paul Ominsky commented: “I would like to…
My Journalistic Integrity Demands This Scathing Review of Dearest Malcolm’s Lackluster Performance in Rent: the Musical
On Friday night, Princeton’s premier student-run theater organization staged their interpretation of Rent: the Musical. The set design was inspired, the accompaniment moving, and the performances were, with one exception, heartfelt and stirring. However, my integrity as a journalist and…
Five Places in America To Visit If You Really Have Nothing Better To Do
Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom, Allentown PA This fairly run-of-the-mill theme park in eastern Pennsylvania is probably good for a moderately amusing afternoon. It’s Peanuts-themed, which is kind of fun, though most of the rides are pretty standard. Admission to…