Today, the tech sphere was ablaze with the celebration as every American 13 to 25 year old was honored as techno-sages before a congregation of his mothers’ friends, family and peers.
Exalting their average-intelligence teenager with no knowledge of advanced computer skills such as programming or database management, mothers bestowed the supremely significant designation of being “so good with computers,” upon the unremarkable age group before an audience of their co-workers.
“Jacob is so gifted with technology,” said one mother proudly, unable to remove the paper jam from the copier machine in cluster B this morning. She insists she would have easily resovled the problem “if only he were here,” and compared her C average student to a more sociable and attractive version of the Rain Man, a young Steve Jobs, and MacGyver.
The commemorations came today in recognition of over a decade of repeated demonstrations savant-like proficiency in multiple categories of basic computer usage, including attaching files such as pictures and videos to e-mail messages, restarting the router when the internet wasn’t working, changing the ink in the printer and demonstrating how to use the help function which is, in their own words, “in literally every fucking program, mom.”
Two teens, Daryl Lewis and Natalie Mendoza, took home special awards this evening. Lewis, 13, wowed his mother by managing to banish once and for all those pesky green lines on Microsoft Word. Mendoza, 14, helped her mother set up a Facebook account which would allow her mother to comment on pictures and monitor conversations with boys, if Mendoza had not shrewdly placed her mother on limited profile.
-AJ ’15