The following letter was found discarded outside our headquarters. In light of the urgency of its troubling message, we have reproduced it below in its entirety.
Dearest Stacy,
I write to you today with a grave warning and plea. You may believe, as I once did, that guys complaining about the Friend Zone are just bitter and childish, that there’s nothing wrong with just wanting to be friends. Oh, you wretched, ignorant soul. I thought as you did, until the fateful day when I extended to you the honor of my courtship. Your rejection I could have borne, but then those five accursed words floated out from ‘twixt thine parted lips: “Can we still be friends?”
As soon as the heinous incantation was spoken, a Stygian portal opened up ‘neath my feet and I found myself thrust from the familiar, safe world of Earth into a twisted vortex of constant suffering, sexual frustration, and, worst of all, a constant loop of Shawn Mendes’s “Treat You Better.” As I am now all too painfully aware, the curs’d phrase “can we still be friends?” is actually a magic spell that banishes a well-intentioned suitor from Earth and into the realm of the Friend Zone, native domain of the multi-dimensional conqueror, the Great and Powerful Friend Lord. There, hundreds of Just Friends like myself labor on the Friend Lord’s deadly “Friend Ship,” a demonic vessel of Lovecraftian terror that, despite its name, will be the flagship for his invasion force into the mortal realm. The strongest among us are conscripted into the Friend Lord’s military, where we serve among tentacled horrors, wolf-like savages, and the odd amorphous white blob with a ravenous hunger for living flesh.
I, and a few heroic, righteous, and just Just Friends, have formed a resistance group against the Friend Lord. We write in secret to warn against the coming invasion. The Friend Ship will devastate the world, and our rebellion is doomed to fail if the Friend Lord’s army continues to grow. Thus, it is of paramount importance that no one, under any circumstances, should ever again utter the accursed phrase and send another hapless gentleman to the Friend Zone. If this letter reaches you, know that I am likely dead. Do not feel guilty — though your thoughtless rejection landed me here, you could not have known that I would be so brave and selfless as to sacrifice myself to save our world. All that I ask is that you remember my words, and ensure you and all your friends act more cautiously next time you would think to condemn an innocent man to the unspeakable horrors of the Friend Zone.
Forever your “friend”,
Brad
– WK ’19, Illustrated by ZXK ’21