President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced on Monday that, to make room for an entirely new design, the entirety of Princeton’s campus will be redacted. “When we started hurling our [wrecking] balls into First, we got a sense of how fun destruction is,” Eisgruber said. “There’s just something so satisfying about watching concrete structures take a metal ball to the side and just crumble, or see them being blown to kingdom come by environmentally-safe detonation charges, and releasing environmentally-unsafe dust. So we decided it would be best to burn everything to the ground.”
A planning document released by the Board of Trustees at the time of Eisgruber’s statement explained that “nothing will be spared.” The demolition project will break ground with military surplus explosives at 5:30am on December 16, Dean’s Date, to ensure optimal disruption of student life.
Later that day, students will be evicted from their dorms (once they have submitted their papers).
“To be honest, a lot of the old buildings were just … too old,” the document observed. “I mean seriously. Have you even seen the state of this campus? There are buildings that people made nearly three centuries ago. Why are they still around? Oh, and don’t even get us started on the new buildings. They look even worse. Why did we even say yes to the designs? No clue.”
The idea to take Princeton’s destructive plan campus-wide came after Yeh and New College West were completed. “We took one look at them and were like, hell no. They’ve got to go,” Provost Deborah Prentice said. “Nothing that looks like an oversized computer tower belongs here. Then, we connected the dots and saw that actually, nothing currently built belongs here either. One thing led to another and here we are: demolition.” Prentice hinted that she has a similar plan of action for the University of Cambridge, the 500-year-old institution that she has been nominated to lead.
Princeton plans to use 500,000 pounds of high-explosive cluster bombs, 300 gallons of napalm, 25 Ml Abrams main battle tanks, and a small nuclear missile to tear down campus in preparation for its reconstruction. However, the University will offset the carbon released by this activity by planting seven trees and buying two carbon credits.
Though unfinished, structures under construction including the Art Museum, Dillon Gym’s expansion, and whatever is going on outside Whitman College, will also be knocked down and started from scratch. “I mean, we might as well, right?” the planning document noted. Students are outraged. The USG has already responded, pledging to hold a referendum to respond to student voices in 2027, if the referendum system (and democracy) is still around by then.
“We would he happy to hear concerns from people who take issue with this genius idea, and will open appointment times once we’ve finished the project,” Dean Jill Dolan said. “Students who experience disruption can schedule an appointment in CPS to express their feelings. “
Nassau Hall will be the first building to go, and will be replaced by “Nassau Hall 2,” which will feature more ivy, a taller tower, and no charm. The two tigers out front will be melted down and recast as a giant, orange-painted letter P to stand atop the revised structure.
While every square inch of campus is under reconstruction, students will have to be housed somewhere else. When asked where students will be housed shortly after his announcement, Eisgruber responded, “Uhhhh… Beats me. Next question?” A later statement from the University clarified Eisgruher’s remarks by saying, “While construction is in progress, students will take classes at Columbia University. The superb caliber of our students means that Columbia won’t have to falsify their [college ranking] data anymore.” The University has not released plans for what Princeton’s “reimagined” campus will look like. However a small prospective model made of legos has been leaked.
Construction is expected to finish as soon as US News and World Report ranks Princeton below first place.
ALEXANDERN ORBROOK ’26
Illustrated by DANIELLE JENKINS ’23