The following is sponsored content from Princeton University.
Hello Princeton!
As our budget continues to be squeezed by inflation, the new construction, and our inability to find anyone to put their name on a building as ugly as New College West, we are debuting a new subscription service for Princeton, princeton+. This will allow for us to raise some much needed funds while also providing an even more luxurious experience for our marks .. I mean customers … I mean students.
Features will include:
• Don’t have energy to actually go to college, but want all the practical post-graduate benefits? With a Princeton+, we will put you in cryogenic sleep until you are 22 and can go work for McKinsey.
• Want TI passes, but also want to keep your dignity? Save yourself the embarrassment of asking a friend and instead get Princeton+! Princeton+ members will now have access to professors that lecture at l.5x speed.
• Membership includes one free honor code violation, and one free honor code expulsion for the student of your choice.
• After we saw how popular this practice was last year, princeton+ now allows students to overturn USG elections whose results they don’t like.
• At a $299.99 per month fee, princeton+ can get expensive. Earn credit toward your princeton+ subscription by replacing Starbucks workers recently fired for unionizing. Contact Mellody Hobson for more information.
“It’s really nice to find a way to feel superior in a place that is kind of by definition filled with exceptional people. Otherwise, how would I have self worth? 5 stars”
– One satisfied customer.
AND STAY TUNED FOR PRINCETON+, PROFESSOR EDITION, A MONTHLY BASED SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE THAT ALLOWS YOUR COLLEAGUES TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHEN YOU ROUTINELY MAKE HOMOPHOBIC REMARKS OR HELP OVERTURN ROE V. WADE!
BG ’23
