In a show of laziness unparalleled in University history, first-year Doug Gander ’23 has yet to secure an internship for the summer after graduation.
The shocking news was revealed on Gander’s CA trip when the group began comparing resumes on the third night of their excursion to a church in New Brunswick.
“I was dumbfounded,” said Danielle Taylor ’23, who was in the room when Gander revealed himself as a complete slacker. “I only secured my post-grad internship last month, and I thought I was falling behind. My parents were really upset I waited that long. They went on about how I had destroyed the family. They made me sleep outside.”
Taylor has secured an internship at the Disney corporation for summer 2023. When asked how she was able to get such a prestigious internship with no undergraduate course credits and no experience in finance, Taylor credited her tenacity, her gumption, and her close family friendship with Robert Iger, the Chairman and CEO of The Walt Disney Company.
“The early bird truly gets the worm when it comes to internships,” said Gina Frank of the Career Services office. “It is standard practice for top employers to hire interns four or five years in advance, before the students can realize they don’t want to work eighteen hours a day for no pay. If by the start of your freshman year you don’t have something lined up for after graduation, you’re honestly screwed.”
Many students and faculty members are beginning to wonder if Doug even belongs at Princeton given his apparent lack of ambition or work ethic.
“I was already suspicious when Doug told us he hadn’t decided his major yet,” said Ryan Burk ’23, a member of Gander’s zee group. “Now, I really wonder how he was even let into this school. He was telling us all about this programming club he started at his high school for fun and it was like… what’s the point if you’re not going to use it to get an internship at the New York Times after graduation?”
Professor of Classics Jean McFry wonders whether Gander will be able to handle the academic rigors of Princeton. “I’m very concerned,” said McFry. “I let him into my freshman seminar, but now I’m concerned that he might not have the ability to write an R3 [that will someday be the basis of a multimillion-dollar film franchise]. I was hoping he would at least have a Rhodes Scholarship lined up or something, but apparently not. I feel sorry for him, honestly.”
Admissions Officer Samantha Laminate stated in an interview that this may be the first time in Princeton’s history the admissions office has made a mistake. “Last year, we admitted a blue whale and many thought that was the first break in our infallible admissions record. I insisted it was not,” Laminate said. “But this kid? I think we just have to take the L on this one.”
The Tiger has attempted to contact Gander for comment, but his roommates report he is busy making friends, joining clubs, and trying to “have an enjoyable time at Princeton,” whatever the hell that means.
PA ’21