On Tuesday April 30, 2019, 5 days after the website’s major day of operation, Princeton humor organization The Princeton Tiger, publisher of the quarterly satire magazine of the same name, officially takes responsibility for tigerrank.herokuapp.com, the now-defunct URL that once hosted the definitive ranking of all Princeton students. This also seems as good a time as any to take ownership of our role in starting the fire that burned down large portions of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, France.
The website, publicized through a middle-of-the-night postering campaign by TigerMag staff, allowed users to see their own position in the 5,271-student ranking as well as that of their fellow students. The complaint form on the site provided an outlet for the several thousand students who logged in throughout April 25 to speculate about how the ranking was determined and to complain about their own position (those who complained, of course, decreased in ranking several hundred slots). Some worried it was GPA-based, some thought it was clearly a revenge-driven passion project, and others denounced the site as the worst COS 333 project of all time. These were, each, in their own way, horrifically wrong. Now, we are finally ready to reveal the metric used to create the TigerRank (as well as the way that we ignited the historic blaze that held the world rapt with horror).
The ordering was 100%, completely, unadulteratedly random (except for TigerMag staffer / “worst man on campus” Bob Schofner’s immovable position at #5,271). No actual information about any student was accessed or used in anyway. We just shuffled everyone’s names until we got bored. It was absolutely random. Using a gasoline-soaked rag to start an inferno that would consume the roof of one of Europe’s oldest and most beloved Catholic cathedrals, however, was not random. It was a calculated act of warfare against the cultural history of the West. Just to clear that up.
We hope that those reading this message can look back fondly on what we thought was a pretty fun social experiment. Here at TigerMag, we’d like to affirm that every student is their own incalculably valuable individual, despite what certain well-crafted websites (a product of the well-misspent JavaScript talents of one Gagik Amaryan, ‘22) might suggest. If you liked TigerRanks, or if you hated it, check out TigerMag, in print and on our (real) website! Have a good reading period everyone.
And to the people of France: We’re sorry, okay? Jeez.
- NP ’21