An embarrassed President Eisgruber apologized in a press conference Monday for indirectly causing the Notre Dame fire by leaving a Notre Dame voodoo doll on the 12th floor of Fine Hall. “This one’s on me, guys,” said Eisgruber, sighing and telling reporters that hindsight is 20/20. “I truly never expected local juveniles to set fire to Fine Hall. Now that they have, it’s occurring to me that there are, in fact, safer places to store such an item.” Eisgruber would not state where he obtained the doll, but complained that it “clearly is not up to par.” “I paid good money for that shit, and the two fires happen a week apart?” Eisgruber complained. “I want live feedback — if I’m ever in the mood to punch that thing, I want the fist of God himself to come out of the sky and obliterate the thing immediately.” Eisgruber reportedly recovered the charred remains of the doll and relocated them to a safer place. “I’ve also collected the Taj Mahal from Lewis, the Colosseum from McCosh, and the Louvre from Frick. They’re all in a more secure location now, so hopefully no more accidents will befall these wonderful world monuments.” As he was leaving the press conference, Eisgruber was spotted stuffing the dolls in the trunk of his car.
-LM ’22