I want to start this off by reminding you all that love is beautiful in every form. There is nothing wrong with those who choose to express it in ways that might be different from the way that you do. Of late, however, , some of you have taken it upon yourselves to violate these principles by telling me that my romantic partnership with Julius Pringles, the mascot of the Pringles brand of scoop-shaped potato chip, is “wrong,” “unsettling,” and “fairly comical, if we’re being honest.” I do not appreciate these unwarranted comments, and I would like to clear the air that you all have so uncouthly soiled with your hurtful words.
First of all, what happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own kitchen cupboards should be of no concern to you. If you must know, Julius and I have been seeing each other now for over two years and it has been the most fulfilling emotional connection I have had since my sensual summer fling with Mr. Peanut of Planters’ Peanuts in 2007. If it isn’t enough that my relationship with Julius made me happier than I’ve ever been before, then please at least respect that our love has done absolutely no harm to anyone. When we stroll around in public together, his vulnerable cardboard body wrapped tightly in my arms, we are violating no laws. When I stroke his prominent and elegant mustache or openly compliment his dark, smoldering eyes, you have no right to sneer and rudely abandon the small park bench we were sharing with you. And, please, I beg you, when Julius and I share a chaste but poignant kiss outside the local Italian deli, refrain from shielding your children’s eyes and cruelly telling me that “those ten minutes you just spent tonguing an empty Pringles can are the exact ten minutes for which God will one day smite you.”
It has been truly disappointing to see how my loved ones have reacted to the most personal and precious part of my life. I am sick of being laughed at, ridiculed, and called “Pringle-fucker” by people I once considered friends. After finally working up the courage to bring kind, handsome, and cylindrical Julius to social events,asking nothing more than tolerance, I was met expressly with contempt. I was ready to let the world see us for who we were. I was ready to stop hiding. And you all let me down in the most painful way possible.
I don’t expect you to fully understand the tenderness I hold in my heart for my dear Julius. I don’t expect you to ever feel the desire that I feel for the gentle, saddle-like curves of Pringles potato chips and for their sultry, silver-tongued mascot. All I ask is that you respect the fact that Julius is a gorgeous and sensitive man, a brilliant snack food tycoon, and, most profoundly, my utterly faithful and intensely passionate lover.
– LH ’19