Still buzzing with excitement over beginning their collegiate careers, thirteen-hundred of the world’s brightest minds gathered in the Princeton University Chapel for Opening Exercises, a ceremony as old as the university itself. Donning his special ceremonial dress, President Eisgruber approached the lectern to deliver his address, opening with a reminder that the freshmen would hear a lot over the coming days: “You’re here because you belong here—our admissions team does not make mistakes.”
No sooner had the words rolled off his lips than the audience turned their heads to skeptically look at the most unusual member of the freshman class: Tanner Blevins, a blue whale from just off the coast of southern Alaska.
For years Princeton has boasted an infallible admissions team. In order to assuage incoming students’ self-doubt and fears of not fitting in at such a prestigious university, the administration takes every opportunity to remind students that they were selected based on merit and ability. There are no admissions mistakes.
But many find themselves doubting this claim in light of the recent admission of Blevins, Earth’s largest mammal. Andy Nelson ’22 commented on the strange admissions decision, stating, “I took four years of a rigorous AP schedule in high school and I play three sports—I worked hard to get here. Now they let in a whale? If I had known they would accept some marine mammal, I wouldn’t have taken all those extra credits junior year and would’ve just added breaching to my resume instead. Guess that’s what admissions wanted.” Said Aubrey Diaz, another baffled freshman, “He must’ve had a pretty strong essay.”
In an interview with Dean of Admissions Janet Rapelye, questions were raised about the whale’s ability to thrive on the Princeton campus. No doubt admitting a 300,000-pound, barnacle-encrusted freshman was a bold admission move, but Rapelye grew increasingly defensive when asked how a student who can’t read, write, speak, register for classes, use a computer, physically fit in the libraries, or walk to class could succeed in the academically rigorous Princeton environment. Her final comment on the matter: “In over 270 years, Princeton has never made an admissions error and I resent the insinuation that we would start slipping up now. Blevins may be a 160-foot-long, sopping wet sea giant, but he belongs here like everyone else.”
Blevins, one of Forbes residential college’s newest members, is getting adjusted to life on campus. When asked about the publicity surrounding his admission, Blevins commented, “MMMMUUUUUOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHH,” and promptly rolled away from the interview, narrowly missing the new Lewis Center for the Arts building with his immensely powerful, gargantuan tailfin.
While the dining hall staff is working on a krill-based menu for Blevins and student government is trying to fit him in some Class of 2022 gear, controversy over this decision continues to rage. While some believe that the admissions committee should stop being so conceited and just admit that they mess up sometimes, others think admitting a blue whale could prove a genius and highly progressive move for the university. Only time will tell.
– AC ’21, Illustrated by NC’21