Ever wonder what “ghosting” means? Know what it is to “third wheel”? If you’re anything like me, current slang moves way too fast for you – especially relationship slang. If your love lexicon needs a shot of Vitamin Relevant, today is your lucky day! I’ve taken the liberty of clarifying all sorts of dating terms for you – take a look and feel the love!
GHOSTING – spending a full day and night every month in the cute side-by-side graves you and bae picked out in order to understand what eternity will be like
CATFISHING – when you just love your partner so so so much that you buy their exact wardrobe, copy their speech patterns, match their hairstyle, take their classes, switch to their major, and eventually change your legal name and social security number. Twinsies!
BREADCRUMBING – flirtatiously logging into your crush’s computer and visiting the Wikipedia article of your first name, refreshing over and over for two hours, to drop a subtle hint
BRUNCHING – pacing around the periphery of the servery of the dining hall your crush visits most often, with a plate of what they’d usually get, because you know they’ll have to eat eventually and you care about them
POCKETING – writing your crush’s cute little idiosyncrasies down on individual pieces of paper and keeping them in your back pocket so you can tape them up in their favorite Firestone cubicle later for a fun surprise
(JUST) TALKING – the sexiest stage of a relationship, usually after 23 years of celibate cohabitation, where you and bae start talking dirty in proto-Norse
NUDES – totally inappropriate and uncalled for. If you’re going to wear makeup, what’s the point of it matching your skin tone?
THIRD WHEELING – removing one of the wheels every time your significant other gets a new scooter/bike/car and mailing them the wheel, bent in the shape of a heart, to them for their next birthday. Super cute!
CELIBACY – refusing to have sex with any of your significant other’s more attractive friends, even though they never asked and never seemed interested. It’s just the right thing to do!
CUFFING SEASON – from September to mid-January, where every already-established couple competes to prove that they are the most committed by collecting the most discarded paper wristbands from amusement parks. The winning couple will not only be allowed to keep dating, but may publicly execute one other couple of their choice. It’s like the Hunger Games, but cuter!
MATCHING – making mental notes of your crush’s skin type and arranging a sweet little gift basket of the exact skin care products they’d need so that their level of oiliness/dryness and pH balance matches yours exactly
WALK OF SHAME – the walkway where you first met your most recent ex, probably on the way to your STL on a spring day, and they looked so good, but also kinda casual, like they weren’t trying too hard, and they always managed to pull off that look, and sometimes you gotta let go of what might have been and move on ya know?
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY – your name for the cute lil teddy bear your significant other won for you at the carnival, only it was a Beat Yale sweater instead of a teddy bear, amazon.com instead of a carnival, and your aunt bought it for you instead of your significant other
GOING STEADY – the next level of friendship, where you trade beds once a week, go bowling twice a week, and bake cookies in the shape of each other’s legs six times a week. This one’s for the ‘gram!
THE REBOUND – a stage of post-breakup, lasting between 2 minutes and 7 years, where the sound of your next partner’s name puts you in anaphylactic shock. Watch out!
ONE NIGHT STAND – the night after you and your new bae have sex for the first time, where you hold a silent all-night vigil in memory of your relative virginity. Extra fun if you invite friends!
THE ONE – that one time when you brought him a snack from a different Zee group’s study break because he mentioned once that he liked Kung Fu Tea but when you got to his dorm there was a girl standing near his door (it might have actually been the door across the hallway but it was unclear) so you understandably panicked and gave her the drink and said happy birthday and ran sobbing back to your dorm but forgot your bag in the common room and by the time you got back it was gone so you had to share COS notes with a kid in your Zee group you hadn’t spoken to since Orientation
NMC ‘21
