Have you ever wondered what parts of your everyday life might have played a secret role in the history of the women’s movement? Do you want to topple the patriarchy from the comfort of your own home? Lucky for you, we’ve put together a list of household appliances that had a pivotal role in advancing gender equality.
- Washing Machine – In the late 1800s, there was a group of feminists called the Suffragettes who decided to support women’s rights before it was cool. One of them, Susan B. Anthony, was apparently much more forward-thinking than history originally thought. When she was just a teenager, she was walking into a laundromat when, suddenly, a man jumped out of nowhere and tried to mug her! Using her quick wits and feminine intelligence, she reached into his pants, grabbed his penis, and jammed it in the nearest washing machine. Feminism FTW!
- Stove – A couple years later, Susan B. Anthony was in the teacher’s lounge of the Canajoharie Academy, a Quaker school where she was a big-time teaching star. Everybody loved her, especially this dude named Jedidiah. Jedidiah walked into the room, and planned to shoot his shot—but Ms. Anthony wasn’t having it! Before he could say a word, she whipped out his wang and stuck it in the brand-new gas stove. Wow! What an inspiring woman.
- Vacuum Cleaner – As the feminist movement began to pick up steam, Suzy B. started to become more and more confident in her feminist philosophy. She became so confident, in fact, that when a man told her “Women belong in the kitchen, not the voting booth!” she stuck his ding-dong in a vacuum cleaner. Ouch! That oughta hurt!
- Toaster – Unfortunately, our dear Susan would not stay young forever. Though her body was getting older, her cock blocking abilities stayed as sharp as ever. They were so sharp, in fact, that when one man merely thought about catcalling her, he looked down and realized that Susan had already stuffed his schlong into her brand-new toaster!
- Electrical Outlet – On her deathbed, Ms. Anthony’s health was failing. As the family priest came to her side to hear her final confession, she gestured to him, asking him to lean in closer. The priest leaned in, breathless at the opportunity to hear the revolutionary feminist’s final words. Suddenly he began to convulse and scream in agony. Somehow, someway, Susan had managed to jam his penis in the nearest electrical outlet. What an inspiring ending to Susan B. Anthony’s tremendous legacy!
-TA ’21, illustrated by KG ’19