Try out bangs- Demonstrate exercise equipment in late-night infomercials
- Finally let out that fart he’s been holding in for eight years
- Take an 18-minute nap
- Force Sarah McLachlan into retirement and sing “In the Arms of An Angel” for the ASPCA
- Long-overdue snakelike shedding of entire skin
- Make a paper crane
- Give Joe the dinner night he deserves
- Paint the bathroom Halcyon Green from the West Elm collection for Sherwin Williams because it’s very calming and he has plans to rub a dub dub in the tub
- Indulge in that 8th almond
- Finally gets to use his own private email account: bbbbarackandroll69@hotmail.com
- Travels on horseback to the Wyoming mountains with Joe Biden: Barackback Mountain
- Get as high as his approval ratings
- Finally work up the courage to ask why he won the Nobel Peace Prize in the first place
- Write mystery novels starring a plucky United States President down on his luck
- Remove his Obama mask to reveal that he, too, is Joe Biden
- Return the Chicago Public Library’s copy of The Presidency For Dummies
- Go door-to-door to berate each and every American citizen for the disgusting contents of their internet history
- Michelle
-Staff