For the first time, the majority of the current student body will be able to vote in the upcoming election cycle, and what a circus of an election cycle it’s been. With both nominees facing massive dissatisfaction from the American public, many political correspondents are considering the possibility of a strong showing for a third party candidate. So, as pioneers in thoughtful political discourse (aka college humor magazine writers), we bring to you a list of those we feel are the most promising third party candidates.
Chris Eisgruber
As President of Princeton University, Chris Eisgruber has already proven himself capable of being president of something. He has great experience militarily, as demonstrated when he brutally crushed the city of Princeton’s revolt against the university after beheading the mayor with a steel battleaxe. As Woodrow Wilson showed us, being President of Princeton is a proven path to the presidency of the United States, and Eisgruber is eager to live up to Wilson’s legacy. Except for the racism part. That part’s bad.
George Washington
Who better than the first President to be President again and fix all our 21 st century problems? No one, that’s who. Literally everybody loves George – that’s a bipartisan support base if I’ve ever seen one. He’s both is a war hero AND a founding father, giving him, like eighty thousand and sixty two bonus points in the polls. As a charismatic speaker and a prominent character in the musical sensation Hamilton, Washington is sure to win voters’ hearts.
Elan Sleazebaggano
Fans of Star Wars may remember this charming up-and- comer from Attack of the Clones, in which he attempted to sell Obi-Wan Kenobi some death sticks. Who could forget his memorable, charismatic way of speaking when he said, “you wanna buy some death sticks?” He truly does have a way with words. “But isn’t he a drug dealer?” you ask. “How could a man like that be President?” Well, Obi-Wan Kenobi told him – mind controlled him, really – to go home and rethink his life, and so the ever-trustworthy Elan Sleazebaggano naturally decided to transition from petty drug dealing into politics. So now you know, voice in my head. Now please stop telling me to “clean the gutters of society”. I don’t know what that means but it sounds ominous and unsanitary.
Beyonce
Yaaaas, gurl. Kill it. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass, gurl, slay. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssss. Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn. YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS S. So inspirational.
-WK ’19