My Uncle Leslie’s years of disruptive behavior have made him an unwelcome presence at most local establishments. If, for some reason, you’re convinced you’d like to dine with him, here are seven local restaurants that might still serve you.
Winberie’s Restaurant and Bar
A perennial favorite of local food enthusiasts, Winberie’s boasts delicious burgers and a casual, friendly atmosphere. In fact, the atmosphere is so friendly that even my horrible Uncle Leslie should be more or less welcome here.
Efes Mediterranean Grill
The last time a restaurant made the questionable decision to serve my Uncle Leslie, he ended up throwing a plate of swordfish out the window and making three of the waitstaff cry. Nonetheless, Efes offers delicious soups and salads and tends to have pretty lenient policies when it comes to customer behavior, so if you insist on bringing Leslie to dinner with you, they probably won’t refuse.
Tiger Noodles
Honestly, I’m not even sure why you think having dinner with my Uncle Leslie is a good idea. It’s probably not going to be much fun for you. Anyway, Tiger Noodles tends to be pretty crowded, so you can probably sneak him in if you move quickly.
Agricola (long shot)
This one’s a long shot. Uncle Leslie has been here before, and it took the custodial staff five hours to clean up all the mess he made. Maybe if you bribe the maitre d’ or something.
Elements
This restaurant opened relatively recently, so it’s possible that news of my Uncle Leslie’s total inability to behave himself in a public setting has yet to reach them. If you’re really determined to take my uncle out for dinner — again, not something I recommend — you might as well try here.
Panera Bread
The last time Leslie set foot in Panera, the value of a share of the American fast-casual café chain inexplicably dropped by 4%. Corporate probably hasn’t yet drawn the connection between my uncle and the drop, so Panera’s actually a pretty good place to take him.
Teresa’s Caffe, if you bring someone else really good to compensate
Teresa’s Caffe, an upscale Italian eatery, is pretty unlikely to serve my repulsive excuse for an uncle. However, if, in addition to bringing Uncle Leslie, you also bring someone really cool like Olympic swimming legend Mark Spitz or a kangaroo, it’s possible they’ll figure the good outweighs the bad and let you all in.
-MF’19