NASA announced Thursday the discovery of a new planet that, under the right circumstances, could viably support human life. However, as NASA’s report went on to reveal, this planet would be unable to support hip hop. And what kind of a life is that?
The newly discovered Reblar J8, a small, Earth-like planet a mere thirteen light years away, shares many marked similarities with our own hip hop-compatible home planet. However, according to NASA technician James Duff, Reblar’s atomic makeup is “far too fragile” to support the hip-grinding, bone-rattling bass melodies of a jamming hip hop. So why bother?
In a recent interview, Duff expressed some personal doubts, suggesting that “while humanity could feasibly survive on Reblar J8, it will never thrive.” NASA was quick to point out that Reblar J8 could sustain other forms of music, including alt-rock and ska. But who cares?
Mankind should always seek to explore the horizons of possibility. But if those horizons do not hold the potential for hip hop, are they worth exploring? No.
— DRC ’16