1. I wrote a 60 page screenplay about an orphan with a pet rat. It’s kinda like Annie but grungier.
2. I carve Dove soap into doves to be ironic.
3. My uncle styled Donald Trump’s comb-over on The Apprentice but he was fired for making it look “too natural.”
4. I asked my parents for a pony when I was six but they accidentally bought me a Thoroughbred.
5. My common app essay was just an excerpt from the fifth chapter of my memoir.
6. Getting into Princeton really inspired me to explore my preppy side so I started a fashion blog. Someone commented that it’s “nauseatingly pastel” and “would make Lilly Pulitzer turn in her grave.”
7. I took a gap year to be the mayor of my hometown in Idaho but I wasn’t really being stimulated so I decided to come here.
8. I have the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of erotic snow globes.
9. I’ve played the French horn for 12 years because my parents said the violin was too pedestrian.
10. I almost climbed Mt. Everest, but my Sherpa got a cold.
11. One time I touched Hillary Clinton’s pantsuit. It’s polyester.
12. I absorbed my twin in the womb.
13. I’m an Olympic speed walker.
14. I always use all 7 tiles to spell a
word when I play Scrabble.
15. I started a charity for victims of nipple chafing.
— ADJ ’18