Point: If You’re Not Going to Move, Get Out of the Way!
By Max Philips ’19
No other way to say it: I’m a busy man. I’ve got classes, meetings, and interviews all over campus. Yesterday I had to get from dinner at Rocky-Mathey to precept in Sherrerd. Guess how long it took me. Yeah, that’s right. Seventeen minutes! You know why? Cause a bunch of pretentious tools were walking ridiculously slowly, taking up almost the entire McCosh walk, talking about Siberian migrants or some other crap. It took me like two extra minutes just to get around this massive crowd! Still super pissed about it.
Honestly, no offense, but if you’re just going to mill around, can you do it somewhere people aren’t, like, constantly walking? Right now, there’s a ton of people just standing in 1879 Arch doing absolutely nothing. What is it, a tour group or something? Isn’t the point of a tour group to, you know, tour around, and not like, stay in one place for five hours? What, am I supposed to walk all the way up Washington until I get to McCosh? Go around Frist? That’s like five extra minutes out of my day! I swear to god, if I’m late to my McKinsey coffee chat I’m gonna be so mad.
You know what? I’m just gonna go right through these assholes. I value my time enough not to waste it accommodating a bunch of idiots who probably won’t even recognize someone with genuinely important things to do. Hey, move over! You, out of the way! Actual, real-life, busy person coming through!
Counterpoint: Excuse Me, This is an Arch Sing
Charles Tyler ’17, The Princeton Tigertones
Sir- sir! Do you think you could please go around? We would appreciate it a lot if, instead of walking directly through this arch, which, at the moment, is hosting an arch sing, you might be able to take one of the many other routes? I personally suggest the Frist lawn path, which has served me well in situations like these. Alternatively, you might consider waiting ten minutes until we’ve finished singing, like everybody else here. Maybe you’ll even enjoy it! Ah, you consider that possibility unlikely. Point taken.
Look, does it really have to come to this? Let’s try and find some common ground here. For a start, we’re both in the middle of things. You’re in the middle of your walk home; I’m in the middle of my solo in “Brown-Eyed Girl”. And we’ve both got a lot of work to do: me, two problem sets due tomorrow morning; you, 80 pages of reading for Friday’s precept. I guess we’re in the same boat, what would you say? We’re both mature, reasonable adults; can’t we work something out?
I’m afraid I have to disagree with some of the statements you are making so very eloquently to your colleague on the phone. The ladies and gentlemen you see gathered here are not, in fact, “annoying assholes taking up the entire arch”, but rather our audience, which is actually listening to us sing at this very moment. Well, you’ve successfully pushed your way past us! I feel almost grateful to have laid eyes on such a truly busy person. Congratulations! I hope you make the very most out of the next eighty-seven minutes of your evening!
Damn freshmen.
–GW ’16