In the wake of the measles outbreak that has plunged Princeton Bay Colony into utter chaos, causing livestock and grain to vanish, shopkeepers to shutter their windows, and scores of townspeople to disappear, Colony officials have announced that a full scale investigation will be undertaken to find the culprit and hold him or her accountable for the destruction that has been wrought.
Though the proper procedure in event of a measles outbreak had long been forgotten due to the antiquated nature of the disease, consultation of the original charter of the Colony confirmed that there is, in fact, one acceptable course of action: a witch hunt. In a statement shouted by town crier Martin Mbugua at passersby from the steps of Nassau Hall, the Colony has proclaimed: “We hath concluded that the evils that hath befallen our good Colony are indeed the result of witchcraft, and we shan’t rest until the nefarious sorcerer hath been indentify’d and duly punish’d.”
Colony officials have been seen moving from house to house, arresting those who “looketh like witches”, and dragging them to Cannon Green where they will remain in stockades while they await trial by Grand Inquisitor Eisgruber himself. As of this morning, fifty persons have been arrested on charges of witchcraft, with that number expected to double or perhaps triple by day’s end.
When asked what would become of the accused parties, Mbugua cried: “He or she that hath been suspect’d guilty of perpetrating these crimes against our Colony shall be prest with stones atop the table beside East Pyne or plung’d repeatedly into our fair Lake Carnegie.” Should the accused party survive, Mbugua further shouted, the suspicions of sorcery will be confirmed and he or she shall be burned at the stake forthwith. Should the accused perish in the process, then he or she shall be promptly cleared of all charges, and the Colony shall let it be known that it regrets the error.
Should you suspect a neighbor or loved one of witchcraft, you are encouraged to alert Colony officials immediately, preferably by running through the streets shrieking “WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!”
– ARG ’18