Single and looking to mingle, but have no idea where to start? Sick of trying to meaningfully converse with drunk people while equally intoxicated? Here’s a handy guide to snagging yourself a significant other in situations where you are both (nearly) guaranteed to be (almost) completely sober.
The Library
Are you shy, geeky, and/or cripplingly socially awkward? If so, the library’s definitely where you should start. The key is to shroud yourself in an aura of all-encompassing intellectualism and mystery. Sink yourself into an armchair and build yourself a literary fortress that really shows off your aloofness and speaks to your interests, such as all seventy-two published volumes of Naruto, the sixty-two My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic storybooks, the collected works of Sigmund Freud, and Fifty Shades of Grey. First appearances are key! Someone will surely approach you to comment on your exquisite taste.
Via App
Who doesn’t use technology to supplement their soulless, loveless modern existence? Some apps now even allow you to identify features you find attractive in potential partners, including—Jesus Christ, what is that? What is that? Is that appendage going—oh my God! Sweet buttery Jesus! Swipe! SWIPE!
Public Transportation
Make eye contact and breathe heavily. That’s literally all you have to do. Bonus points if you’re: a) sweaty, b) bearded, c) dressed in normcore and/or athleisure, d) hungover and reeking of last night’s misadventures. Because that shit’s attractive. No one will be able to resist you.
Online
WANT TO MEET SEXY SINGLES ONLINE IN YOUR AREA NOW??? I AM NIGERIAN PRINCE WRITING TO TELL YOU THAT YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT INVOLVING SEXY SINGLE SARAH M. (22, 5 MILES FROM YOU) AND NEEDS YOU TO SEND $10,000 TO HIM RIGHT AWAY, HE ALSO NEEDS YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION
Be flattered, because look what your eHarmony profile turned up—a real life Nigerian prince! Send him the money because you don’t want your father to die. You’re not a horrible person, are you? Are you?
In Precept
This requires a little more imagination and finesse, but you can definitely pull it off. Taking a philosophy class on Kierkegaard? Just lean in close to the object of your affections and whisper “Hey baby, I’ll make you Søren tonight,” in their ear. There’s nothing like a little intellectual foreplay to get a fellow student all hot and bothered. If you’re really feeling bold, follow up with your best Communism pun, just for a little extra emphasis.
In a Coffee Shop
The trick is to catch the eye of your fellow coffee-drinkers by ordering the most elaborate drink on the menu. If you really know your stuff, you’ll immediately be the object of everyone’s admiration, and you can use your impossibly cool and trendy drink as a conversation starter. Say you’re in a Starbucks: your best bet is to order a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy 48-Shot Mocha Nonfat Decaf Organic Vaguely Cancerous Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Severed Limb Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Matcha Drizzle Asbestos Powder Caramel Brulee Embalming Fluid Upside Down Double Blended with Two and a Third Bananas, a Fistful of Kale, One Sweet’N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. Boom—instant recognition. “Hey,” people will say on the street when they see you, “it’s Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy 48-Shot Frappucino with Ice guy! It’s been a while! How long have you been out of the hospital?” See how fast you’ll be surrounded by people clamoring for your attention? Easy.
Extracurriculars
Flexible of body but not necessarily of mind? For best results, pick an athletic activity that will allow you to show off your hard-earned results while allowing you to communicate entirely in animalistic grunts, fistbumps, and intense mutual stares. Bonus points for participating in a combat sport where you can express your interest by literally beating the object of your affections into the ground. Nothing says “hey, you’re kind of cute!” like a well-placed Muay Thai kick to the jaw—if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll be able to hit the showers together later! Winky face.
The Astral Plane
Warning: For Advanced Daters Only
Step 1: Master astral projection. This may take a little while (give or take a few decades), but no one ever said you weren’t dedicated.
Step 2: Go for a nice stroll on the astral plane. If you squint hard and kind of tilt your spiritual manifestation to the left, you can make out what looks like another human figure silhouetted against the light. Oh, God! You’ve been lonely for so long! Run toward it with your arms out to embrace your (literal) soul mate.
Step 3: Wait, that light—that’s not—what’s happening? Where am I going? What is this strange feeling? Someone help m—
– JMJ ’18. Illustrated by MGM ’17 and AZ ’16.