How to Lose a Lover in 10 Words

We know you, Princeton student. You hate commitment! You complain about semesters that are only 12 weeks long and can’t even stay in a lecture for a full hour. So if you’re in a relationship that is starting to look like something real and beautiful and possibly ever-lasting, here are thirty ten-word lines that you can use to end it forever.

» I submitted something to Tiger Admirers. It wasn’t about you.

» I submitted something to PFML. It was totally about you.

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» Where should I propose: at Hoagie Haven or T.I.?

» I’m studying abroad this semester. And next. And the next.

» I only date quadruple legacies or celebrities. Well, preferably both.

» By staying together, we are doing what Susan Patton wants.

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» At our wedding, let’s say the Honor Code, not vows.

» I don’t think this thing is going to work out.

» And by “this thing,” I mean me. I’m not moving.

» Where even is Dillon? Oh well. Who cares? I hate exercise.

» I also hate Beyoncé. And America. And cheese. And you.

» Our wedding song should be “Blurred Lines.” Or “Talk Dirty.”

» You’re so smart and pretty. You should check your privilege.

» I want ten kids, twelve dogs, and a real tiger.

» I mean I want them now. Let’s go have sex!

» I voted for Will Gansa for president. Twice. Waffle fries.

» I used to be the most active College Confidential user.

» I am actually still the most active College Confidential user.

» I absolutely loved the How I Met Your Mother finale!

» After we get married, let’s only buy one-ply toilet paper.

» And let’s make it twelve kids, since we’re starting early.

» I have a confession. I’m actually an evil, murderous cyborg.

» I have a confession. I am actually a grad student.

» Let’s spend some time in your room. Your roommate’s hot!

» All I care about is you. That and making bank.

» #finance #Goldmanbound #ORFE4lyfe #alumniconnections #loveyouTigerTracks #Imean-HireTigers #doyouwanttobuildaresume #gonnabetheverybest #thatnooneeverwas #andbybestImeanrichest

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» Actually, let’s have twenty kids. I’m ready when you are!

» I like how next winter break is two weeks long.

» How long should we wait after marrying to get divorced?

» Come over and hang out with me. I live in Forbes.

 

–ACD ’16. Illustrated by MGM ’17 and CSO ’15.