Alternatives to the Eating Clubs

Have eating clubs got you down? Are you sick of relying on a broken, arcane system that forces you to rank all of your best friends in order to eat lunch with them? Or are you just mad that the cannon in front of Cannon isn’t actually operational? Well if so, don’t worry because we here at The Princeton Tiger have come up with a bunch of alternatives to eating clubs… please enjoy!

  • A single stage, the length of the Street, where Aaron Carter is made to perform for eternity, and all Princeton students are made to dance before him

  • A Slip-N-Slide, the length of the Street

  • A Slip-N-Slide, the length of the Street, that only Eisgruber is allowed to use

  • A Slip-N-Slide, the length of the Street, that students are forced to stand next to, cheering, as a nude, lard-greased Eisgruber slides for miles

  • A series of 1950’s style country clubs, with similar membership restrictions

  • Frats

  • More Woody Woo

  • Gentlemen’s clubs

  • Eating clubs, but directed by Richard Linklater (so they’re edgier and more fun, yet also high concept and compelling)

  • Fight cl… oops, never mind, forget it

  • Residential colleges (jk lol)

  • The Jonestown Kool-Aid Klub!

  • Eleven museums, one dedicated to each member of the Ocean’s Eleven cast

  • Line the street with a bunch of little kiosks where old women give out free samples of Costco products

  • Move a suburban family into every house on the street. They can live there for free under one condition: everyday is Halloween. They must be perpetually stocked with king size candy bars, ready to give them out to anybody who knocks on their door. (And none of this “please take one” B.S. either.)

  • A fourth-grade-level science fair, but the contestants are all Nobel laureate professors

  • Just give the land to Chris Kirkpatrick, of NSYNC, and see what he does with it

  • A row of hot tubs full of whipped cream cheese

  • A long, thin trail of never-ending Hormel® Real Bacon Bits

  • A big ol’ bouncy castle

  • Self-esteem

  • The Princeton High School Cafeteria

  • The comforting jingle of $8000 in your pocket

  • Tapas!

  • Establish eleven independent, self-sustaining fiefdoms that periodically go to war

  • Eleven T.I.’s

  • A large man named Horatio

  • A house made entirely out of freshman class council ads advertising free Chipotle

  • Moon bounces that you can get hosed from

  • Drastically increasing the number of eating clubs until the notions of “exclusivity,” “clubs,” and indeed “eating” are irrelevant

  • That spooky house on the hill on Birchbark Drive that nobody’s moved into even though Old Man Welleck finally kicked the bucket last June. I don’t think a realtor’s even put up a sign yet!

  • Finally cracking open that cookbook of squirrel recipes your weird uncle gave you

  • Weekend late meal

  • A weekly masquerade orgy in the Frist basement, sponsored by the Anscombe Society. Bring your friends!

  • A bucket of Ben and Jerry’s and your favorite crying towel

  • The Wa, if ever they stop moving it

– Staff