Dear Dick,
My boyfriend is great. We’ve been seeing each other for 2 years now. He’s sweet, thoughtful, and funny, not to mention being fairly “well equipped” downstairs. He takes me out on dates, buys me shoes, and is pretty much everything a girl could dream of. The only problem is, things have gotten a little boring…in bed. We just don’t have the same spark we used to. It always just ends up being the same routine over and over again, to the point that it just feels like a chore. Do you have any advice on how we could spice up our sex life?
Desperately yours,
Anita Cox
*********
Ms.Cox,
Though it may not be pleasing to you, this I must ejaculate: you are guilty of great mental perversion! Your conduct is deeply perturbing and requires immediate and thorough rectification. It is hard to believe a member of the fairer sex such as yourself capable of such vigorous violation of the stiff laws of morality. Indeed, your practice of premarital sexual activity would have been considered naughty enough in my day as to beg several strokes of the lash. It would, however, be a major boner on my part to finger you out as the sole violator. Indubitably, the formerly firm and erect pillars of moral conduct in ages past seem to be impotent in the face of modern society. You people beat around the bush with your “innuendos” while openly flaunting your calves in public. The pure hypocrisy!
Perhaps you think me viciously anal for my moral rectitude. However, I intend to sway you from your promiscuous ways with my great oral skill. Though it may not pleasure you to listen to my counsel, I can assure you that my dexterity as a master debater remains unbeaten. Other orators will jerk you back and forth hurly-burly, but I shall “give it to you straight” as they say, by means of penetrative discourse. Indeed, we shall now have the titular “direct intercourse.”
You may think your immoral “sex-capades” to be the “bee’s knees,” but you have not considered their deeper ramifications. By reaching around traditional family values, you are hoodwinking the good, hardworking people of this country. It is indeed a moist, well-lubricated slope you are sliding down. Already, you feel the need to insert references to sexual misconduct into your daily ins-and-outs as if it were somehow humorous. These little quips come to a very large and sensitive head when they consistently result in promiscuous immoral relations. If marriage continues being dishonored in such a manner, the rest of society will collapse in a hot, sticky, heavily-breathing heap. Would you not instead prefer to keep stiff and steady the ways of the past?
True, the old way of life was rough and we had our fair share of hard times. For instance, one cold winter in my hometown of Intercourse, Pennsylvania, we were forced to eat my father’s prized cock. It was a sad day for all of us and my mother could barely choke back her salty tears as she masticated. But for every time of hunger, there were times of throat-cramming delight. I recall the banquets of yesterday with great relish: moist, gushing condiments, thick, sumptuous bangers, and sweet, sweet spotted dick for dessert. Not to mention the recreation: men playing with their own balls, men playing with others’ balls, men and women enjoying grand balls, cradling the shaft of a hefty stick on an afternoon jaunt, and mounting horses. Ah, yes. The horses. Indeed, though your generation may have gone soft and cannot take these things to their full extent with pleasure, we were hardier then. A good day’s work and play always left us satisfied and smiling, drained yet content.
Thus, I recommend you take my advice and take it fully if you want to live a blissful life like that of yesteryear. Though you may feel that I thrust this upon you, I hope you accept it internally. I apologize for my frankness, but I do not believe in pussyfooting around or any other sort of poppycock. Verily, perhaps worse than all of your generation’s gallivanting about is your constant obtuse references to it, what with your double-entendres and your Sex in the Cities. Regardless, with any luck this will be a seminal teaching moment on your path back to moral rectitude. Otherwise, you may end up in any number of sticky situations, for all of which you will most likely be relentlessly penalized!
Forthcomingly,
Dr. Dick Inman
– MG ’16. Illustrated by KGR ’15.