Editor’s Note: Because of time travel and stuff, this article will be posted on January 1st, 2011, but attempt to travel back to December 31st, 2010. Whether or not it will succeed depends on how drunk the reader still is from the night before.
This New Year’s Eve, physicists will attempt to travel back to 2009, by flipping the Time Square Ball Drop on its head.
The Ball Drop is a truly historic moment in every man’s life–uh, that is, every New Year’s Eve. The gawdy, blinding sphere descends along the flagpole in a triumphant and suggestive gesture that signifies the year’s full cycle, and in a breakthrough for science, experts have likened this to a man’s testes moving from childhood, to puberty, to droopy old age.
But a research group from Hong Kong has looked at the Times Square Ball (made in China) objectively, and removed from symbolic context. This is mainly because symbolic philosophizing, like Far East Movement’s newest album Wen Jiabao down for Communism?, is censored by the government. Instead, these physicists have observed the famous New York New Year tradition (while disparaging inferior Western timelines) and, as a result, proposed an earth-and-glass shattering phenomenon: Time (Square) Travel, based on the recent discovery of it’s similarity to ‘ball raising.’
Hu Dun Nit, a Chinese astrogeophysicist on the team, explains, “If the ball drop indicates a move forward to the next year, we are able to hypothesize that a ball raise will create enough flux to move us back to 2009: Year of the Ox.” And if balls can do so much, Nit only wonders what other objects of analogously shaped organs can do.
To test his plan this New Years’ Eve, Nit threatened the NYPD that failure to raise the ball would result in a real-life remake of “The Taking of Pelham 123″, supplying his whitemail* with a visual depiction of what could ensue through a poorly dubbed, illegal copy of the movie with large Cantonese subtitles. Whether it was the threat of John Travolta’s Scientology, the oppressing subtitles, or the frightening range of Denzel Washington’s facial expressions, officials succumbed to Nit’s minor request.
Meanwhile, Janet Napolitano of the Department of Homeland Security has already expressed concern about illegal immigration in a world where the space-time continuum is so easily ruptured:
“If space gets altered, you know what that tells me? New entry points for border jumpers…new immigrants hurtling through 42nd St…more people adding to our diversity and showcasing the inclusiveness of the great U.S.A…. and who wants that?”
As science panels continue to discuss what “flux” precisely means (aside from sounding badass before the word “capacitor”), Nit has faith that he will break barriers this New Year’s Eve’. While Janet is focused on the space side of space-time, Nit thinks the latter part (time, not the hyphen, kids) will be shaken. When Mayor Bloomberg hoists up his balls this 31st, the sight could be blinding. So we will literally just have to wait… to see.
Until then, Nit’s keeping his fingers, and priorities, sufficiently crossed.
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*whitemail: noun
(1) blackmail based on a white lie;
(2) postcards, Princeton mail, or any other correspondence that falls under the bracket of ‘supah white’
–KR’14