Occupation: Goat-fucker
Hometown: Aradan, Iran
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day?
Mostly, fucking goats, but when I’m not fucking goats I’m thinking about the next goat I’m going to fuck. I’m going to fuck it hard.
Best place in Tehran?
The rec room in the Presidential palace. It’s where I can fuck my goats in peace.
Worst place in Tehran?
Taleghani Park near Haghani Metro Station. If I fucked a goat there, everyone would see!
What are your favorite ways to relax?
Sometimes I’ll fuck a sheep. They’re a bit easier to handle than goats. But mostly I still fuck goats.
What’s the last movie or performance you saw?
The Men Who Stare at Goats…and then Fuck Them.
What’s hanging above your desk and/or bed?
Goat tranquilizers. It’s so I can fuck the goats.
Where do you do your best thinking?
Anywhere there are goats…so I can fuck ‘em.
What’s your favorite song?
I don’t really listen to songs that aren’t about goats or fucking them.
What do you think of Sarah Palin?
I admire her tremendously. One day, God willing, I hope to have fucked as many goats as she has.
If you could change something about Iran, what would it be?
More availability of virgin goats. I like my goats tight. For when I fuck them.
What’s your drink?
Goat’s milk. In particular, from the goats I fuck.
What’s your top vacation destination?
New Zealand. They’re sheep-shaggers down there, but they dabble in goats too.
What’s your favorite animal?
Really?
How often do you cook?
Sometimes when I fuck a goat, it doesn’t make it. I honor the goat by using all of its parts, you know, like Native Americans minus the not-fucking-the-goats thing.
When’s bedtime?
Every evening I go on a raging bender of goat fucking. When I collapse, it’s bed time.
Who is your mortal enemy?
Animal control. They are against me and the goat-fucking.
When’s the last time you used cash?
If I had a nickel for every goat I fucked…I would have $178.35.
What do you look for in a woman?
60 chromosomes, cloven hooves, horny,…, you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about a goat!!!!
What’s your favorite recreational activity?
Mountain goat climbing
In 10 years, I will be…
Fucking my 10,000th goat.
What is your greatest guilty pleasure?
Chocolate.