The sentiment out of Miami today was surprise, as Lebron James just went ahead and did it during a press conference, finally revealing the “Fuck You Ohio” tattoo on his chest that we all knew was there. He immediately went on the offensive.
“Have any of you people ever been to the state of Ohio?” he asked, pausing to note that he had just received a hilarious text from Dwyane Wade that no one present would get because it was kind of an inside joke. “My last summer in Cleveland, Destiny’s Child was just getting big on the radio. I routinely got calls on my landline asking me if I had caught last night’s Who Wants to Be A Millionaire.”
In Miami, James went on to say, he gets all the tasty, flamboyant cocktails he wants. He told a story about his 3 year old son, Bryce Maximus James, asking what the sun was when it appeared suddenly in Cleveland on a day in early July. “Where did the cold go?” the five foot-eight inch tall boy had said, putting on his running shorts to go for a light afternoon jog. “Are the harvest gods finally at ease?”
“I grew up in Akron,” James said. “Do you know what Akron’s main produce is? Menthol cigarettes. I thought it was common knowledge that the goal of anyone living in Ohio is to make enough money to get the fuck out of Ohio.” He noted that in Miami, people routinely smiled and pretended to enjoy each other’s company, and did lots of awesome cocaine. “Man, cocaine. How did no one tell me about this? This time last year, I was mixing cough syrup and pigeon blood in a vat just to get high.”
“I am so, so rich and you are so, so poor,” James said, smiling broadly. “I don’t even have to pay taxes here! How does that make sense?” He then pulled out a map of the continental United States and urinated on the entirety of the Midwest.
– Alex Moss ‘14
Photo by Ed Kelley ’13