These wise, portly little figures have more in common than just a strong resemblance to the Cabbage Patch Kids.
They are able to create profound statements out of effortlessly simple sentence structures.
Masters of repetition…
Churchill: never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never…
Snooki: That’sNotCoolThat’sNotCoolThat’sNotCoolThat’sNotCoolThat’sNotCool…
Masters of the rhetorical effect of a comma or semi-colon when juxtaposing two opposing ideas in a sentence…
Churchill: Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Snooki: I came in with a bang, and I’m going out with a bang.
Masters of belittling their rivals…
Churchill: Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed, he has much to be modest about.
Snooki: I don’t think Mike can go a day without taking his shirt off. He looks like a frickin’ dirty old man outside with his shirt off…at an ice cream shop.
Masters of witty banter with the opposite sex…
Lady Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.
versus…
Emilio: How many balls do you want?
Snooki: I want two…in my face.
They have a tremendous amount of clout despite their relatively short stature.
They have a penchant for distinctive hats. Trucker hat for the lady, bowler hat for the gentleman.
They enjoy inserting long cylindrical objects into their mouths. (Ignore any potential double entendres. For Snooki, it’s pickles. For Churchill, it’s a fine Cuban cigar).
They aren’t afraid of getting their drank on.
Snooki just got a book deal. Churchill won the Nobel Prize for Literature.
They enjoy fighting on the beaches.
Snooki once “fought 2 bitches that I don’t even care about for my roommate that’s a frickin’ retard for bringing them back.” Under Churchill, England once fought an exceptionally bitchy Italy and Germany for its frickin’ roommate, France.
They have both had rather unfortunate experiences with grenades.
They look absolutely adorable in their bathrobes.
–JAW ’14