NEW YO
RK – Last week Commissioner Goodell proposed several changes to the NFL’s regular season length. Some NFL executives initially hinted at a simple 18 game regular season and a shortened 2 game preseason, but the Commissioner quickly discounted this idea as unlikely to engender sufficient protracted legal conflicts or minutes of pointless debate on ESPN’s Around the Horn. The league subsequently conducted a poll of fans to decide which of football’s most brilliant minds should dictate the season’s duration. In a nearly unanimous vote, all states but Massachusetts — who selected Governor-elect Tom Brady — chose the incisive mind of Al Davis. His first suggestions have been reproduced below.
- Indexing the season’s duration to the amount of money spent at Minxx Gentleman’s Club by Adam “Pac-Man” Jones. This idea was rejected on the grounds that it provided yet another incentive (other than lack of punishment, good publicity, better street rep, etc.) for NFL players to commit felonies.
- Ending the season after Detroit converts on third down. Unfortunately their 3 year drought renders this suggestion logistically infeasible.
- Relating the number of games to the number of weapons charges pending each year against active skill players. As this number is typically between 16-20, depending on whether or not Chris Henry is alive, it is still under consideration.
- Starting the season after the Redskins destroy what was previously a professional athlete. This phenomenon occurs each fall and seems a convenient time to begin tossing a football around.
- Extending the regular season one game for each day of training camp Darrelle Revis spends trying to locate the Jets’ practice facility. As this season would likely be long enough to permanently injure Ray Lewis, it seems to be a win-win all around.
- Limiting the number of games to the number of offensive yards Cleveland gains. This is the players’ union’s preferred system as it would likely restrict the season to between 4 and 6 weeks.
- Dividing the preseason quantity of codeine (kg) in the rear seat of Jamarcus Russell’s SUV by 4.
In addition to these cutting edge recommendations, Davis suggested altering NFL rules to allocate wins based on the number of coaches hired each season.
–NL