Q: Dear Tiger,
It’s most of the way through the summer, and I haven’t yet had a fling with a hot babe. What’s wrong with me? Is it my Star Wars action figure collection?
-Han Solo by the Shore
A: Dear Solo,
If you’re alone during the summer, it’s pretty easy to feel like everyone else in the world is having wild, steamy, attachment-free summer love affairs. That’s because they are. Luckily, with a few simple adjustments, you too can get some this summer.
The first thing to point out is that it’s probably you. When women don’t show an interest in you, it is usually because there’s something wrong with you as a human being. The sooner you realize this and begin to pretend to be someone you’re not, the better. Avoiding talking about some of your boring hobbies would probably go a long way, especially that Star Wars stuff. By now, girls are probably pretty Boba Fett up with you. Yoda biggest geek I’ve ever met, so seriously, Leia off a little.
Exercising more might also be a good idea. Increased physical activity can be a great way to improve your self-image, you stupid loser, and everyone knows that confidence is half of the battle. Well, maybe some negligible fraction of the battle. Self confidence is probably the flag bearer, or the kid with the fife, or maybe the small-town farm boy with no military experience who broke his leg tripping over a stone wall on the way to the battle while contracting a nasty case of cholera. Fortunately, exercising can also improve your body, which is more like all of the battle. If you go to Gettysburg with tiny guns and the competition is packing more artillery than Fort Sumter, you have to expect to get your ass handed to you. Or, more appropriately, to get no ass. Yeah, that metaphor kind of got away from me awhile ago.
Finally, show a little more skin! Actually, that’s probably the solution right there. It works for girls, so why not for us men? Honestly, if you walk around in a Speedo all day, you’re bound to get propositioned by a hot girl eventually.
That’s how it works, right?
-Tiger
(P.S. If that’s not how it works, please let me know immediately so I can adjust my wardrobe accordingly. -JRV ’12)