Uriel: Hail! Fellow Archangels! Champions of Paradise! Lieutenants of the Lord of creation!
Gabriel: Can we drop the epic poetry lingo? This thing is due in an hour.
Raphael: It’s not the time.
Gabriel: All we’ve come up with is “Thou shall keep the Sabbath Holy”. And I only wrote that to give us an extra day to finish this.
Michael: It was my idea.
Gabriel: Yes, but you wanted to call it “Michael Day”. That wasn’t happening.
Uriel: We should throw in some lip-service. The big guy plans on having a son, right?
Michael: What? Are you trying to get promoted or something? We’re already archangels. This is as far as it goes.
Uriel: Michael, the adults are talking. As I was saying, “Honor thy father”. It’ll be a hit.
Gabriel: Good idea.
Uriel: Of course it is. I am the angel closest to the Lord, you know.
Michael: Okay, how about “Uriel shall not be an egotistical douchebag.”
Uriel: How about “Michael shall shut his mouth before someone shuts it for him.”
Gabriel: How about “Thou shalt stop arguing and get back to work or Gabriel shall start shoving flaming swords up asses.”
Two minutes of silence.
Gabriel: That’s what I thought.
Michael: I could take him.
Uriel: Here we go.
Raphael: Let’s not do this.
Michael: I could totally take him. I led the armies of heaven, but he’s the one who gets all the lip service from mortals. Bullshit.
Gabriel: Whenever you’re ready for a long fall, buddy.
Raphael: Can’t we work together peacefully? For once?
Michael: Nobody likes you Raphael. More people know about the goddamn Ninja Turtle.
Raphael: What’s a ninja turtle?
Michael: See, you can’t even see the future. Lame.
Raphael: Oh really? I can heal people. Can you?
Michael: Yes.
Uriel: As the fir—
Michael: Shut the fuck up.
Uriel: —st Angel—
Michael: Say it one more time and I’m stabbing you in the neck.
Uriel: No you won’t. “Thou shall not kill.”
Michael: What?
Uriel: I just wrote it on the tablet. It has the force of divine law.
Michael: Give me that!
Uriel: “Thou shall not steal.” Bam.
Raphael: Are you just going to watch this?
Gabriel: At least they’re making progress.
Michael: Maybe I should see if Zeus is hiring. The Olympians know how to treat a soldier with respect.
Uriel: “Thou shall have no other Gods before me.”
Michael: I swear to fucking God—
Uriel: “Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain.” You were saying?
Michael: Nothing. Just that I’ve been spending a lot of time with that Seraphim you’ve had your eyes on.
Uriel: Ezra?
Michael: She showed me paradise, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about sex, if you don’t. Copulating. Knocking boots. Screwing around. Procreation. The diagonal tango.
Raphael: Don’t you mean horizontal tango?
Michael: You really don’t know how to use these powers at all, do you?
Uriel: I can’t believe this! “Thou shall not commit adultery.”
Michael: Getting a bit trigger-happy, aren’t you?
Uriel: Am I? I’ll take it step further: “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”
Gabriel: What?! You wasted commandment on thinking about cheating? Give me that tablet before you idiots ban jaywalking.
Raphael: I hope you two realize that you’ve managed to irreparably complicate human sexuality in under two minutes.
Uriel: I might have gotten a bit carried away.
Raphael: Quite.
Michael: You still suck.
Raphael: *whispers in Gabriel’s ear*
Gabriel: “Thou shall not bear false witness.”
Michael: It’s the horn, okay? I’ve always been jealous of the damn horn. Everyone else got stuck with generic harps that haven’t been tuned since Genesis, and he gets a horn. It’s not fair.
Uriel: Ha!
Gabriel: Oh no, you’re not getting off scot-free. I know all about the statues you’re having built in Nubia. “Thou shall not make for yourself an image of anything that is in heaven above.”
Uriel: Not even one?
Gabriel: Did I stutter?
Michael: I think that makes ten. We’re done.
Gabriel: Finally…
Raphael: Don’t you think we could have fit something in there about tolerance? Promoting progress? Or at least packaged in a few hints about the meaning of life?
Michael: Nah. Those humans look pretty sharp. I’m sure they’ll be able to figure out the important details themselves.
Raphael: Really?
Michael: No. But I’m tired, and sick of looking at your faces.
Gabriel: What he said. Now let’s get this thing to Charlton Heston.
-Dennard Dayle ’13