The Hook Up is In!
Breaking news: American college students have spoken: the “hook up” is in. Experts concur that this is mostly a result of a soul-sucking adolescent urge to “bang” combined with how it is increasingly difficult to find a reliable source of sex, i.e. a girlfriend or boyfriend. Some people may be intimidated by this newfangled method of human interaction, but if you are on your game and follow my simple instructions, you can “hook up” too!
Don’t Overdo It
You don’t need suave lines to pick up someone of the opposite gender. In fact, that’s the fastest way to seem like a desperate douchebag. The best way to handle the situation is to say as little as possible. One time, I was at a dance, and sneakily started grinding with a girl. She asked me for my name. Expertly, I put a finger up to her lips as if to shush her and then commenced making out with her left earlobe. It worked like a charm. At least, until she really had to go to the bathroom and for some reason never returned… But I digress. Here’s how you can be just like me:
Males: On the good chance that fails, go to the next club. The rule of thumb is that American females don’t like to take second place. Europeans, I’ve found, don’t care. Females: Stay put. They’ll flock to you… I’ll flock to you. (Ed. note: Now might be a good time to note that Tiger has an official policy against posting bail for its writers. Please don’t ask again.)
How To Spring Past Commitment – But of Course I’ll Call You!
On the other hand, what do you do if they do want to talk? I ask girls questions about themselves, because all girls like to hear about themselves! (Ladies, guys like it even more.) Then when possible, I like to slide in innuendos hinting at my sexual acumen. One time, I asked a fortuneteller who was reading my palm whether the big, thick line down the middle was indicative of anything. She said that I probably shouldn’t draw lines on my hand with a fine point Sharpie and that I wasn’t fooling her. Some girls just have no sense of humor! Ladies, I have always dreamed of a gal saying to me as I put down my fireman’s chainsaw, “I bet you are good with your hands.” (Ed. note: I do not believe the writer actually knows what a fireman is.) These comments go far towards getting sex on your potential hook up’s mind.
That’s the Spirit
Now that you’ve got him or her thinking about sex, it’s time to lock in some of that liquid courage. I do this by knocking back whatever booze is in the vicinity. As you are leaving, do not forget to continue notifying her and everyone around you at an audible volume that you are extremely drunk. That way, you are not responsible for future consequences. Or unattractiveness. (Ed. note: SWEET JESUS please do not construe this as legal advice.)
Getting to Home Base
Now, let’s say that you’ve got your hook up home, but as you sober up, you realize that his/her/it is kind of hideous. How do you save the evening? Just cover “its” face with a paper bag. Don’t be too concerned about poking in air holes. If “it” is confused with your conduct, just say it’s a role-playing game… Be creative. I mean, last time I had to do this, she didn’t know what D&D was (…fool) so I had to make a Twilight reference: “We needed to hide your scent from other Vampires” – By other vampires, of course, I meant my more attractive womanizing roommate, Lars.
Hooking up: the Antidote to Buyer’s Remorse
Hooking up is not about taking an easy win – that’s the best way to have buyer’s remorse. In fact, hooking up is about not paying for it. It’s how irresponsible people like me get the sex they crave without paying for expensive dinners or rohypnol or prostitutes .
Note: You know that you are part of the Grand Theft Auto generation when that last line made you think: “kill the prostitute and get the money back.”
-SRS, ’13