Pot
H.R.G.O. 1: Aaaargh, I hate marijuana so much!
H.R.G.O. 2: I hate it, too! I hate it more than almost anything!
H.R.G.O. 1: I hate it almost as much as I hate teenagers! I hate them and their rock and roll music and sexy denim clothing and alcohol parties!
H.R.G.O. 2: I am just livid with hate for the youth and their recreational practices! I am punching holes in my own desk to demonstrate how angry I am!
H.R.G.O. 1: They don’t have values! Not a single value! Not like we who grew up in the Great Depression!
H.R.G.O. 2: Let’s keep marijuana illegal no matter how much they protest because we hate them so much and for no other reasons at all! Let’s do that!
H.R.G.O. 1: I agree with you! That is a thing that I think we should do!
9/11
H.R.G.O. 1: Everything is going to shit.
H.R.G.O. 2: Hell in a handbasket.
H.R.G.O. 1: Let’s do 9/11.
H.R.G.O. 2: Are you serious? I don’t know how I feel about doing 9/11.
H.R.G.O. 1: Dead serious. It will be great. We can do 9/11, and then we can put clues about it on the twenty dollar bill.
H.R.G.O. 2: You know what? That sounds like a good idea. Okay, yeah, let’s do 9/11.
H.R.G.O. 1: Great. Is that a new tie, by the way? Gorgeous print.
H.R.G.O. 2: You betcha.
Taxes
H.R.G.O 1: So I’ve been thinking maybe we should increase taxes.
H.R.G.O. 2: No. No way, man. The American people hate taxes. They said so.
H.R.G.O. 1: No, hear me out. You know how we love hookers and blow?
H.R.G.O. 2: Well, yeah, of course. That’s basically all we do, as government officials, is hookers and blow.
H.R.G.O. 1: What if we could have more hookers and blow? What if we had more government money for that?
H.R.G.O. 2: That’d be swell! Real swell! But how would we do that, get more government money for hookers and blow?
H.R.G.O. 1: Well, listen to this: if we increase taxes, we would have more money!
H.R.G.O. 2: To spend on…
H.R.G.O. 1: Hookers and blow! See? It’s that easy!
H.R.G.O. 2: I guess I’ve never thought of it that way! If that’s true, then there’s no reason at all not to increase taxes.
H.R.G.O. 1: Okay, I increased taxes. Man, everything is just awesome when you are the government.
War
H.R.G.O. 1: WARRRRRRRRRR!
H.R.G.O. 2: WWWWWAAAAAARRRRRRR!
H.R.G.O. 1: WAR WAR WAR WAAAAAAAR!
H.R.G.O. 2: YEEEAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!
H.R.G.O. 1: LET’S DO WAR!
H.R.G.O. 2: WAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
Health Care
H.R.G.O. 1: Staggering premiums.
H.R.G.O. 2: Yes.
H.R.G.O. 1: Gratuitous penalties.
H.R.G.O. 2: Oh, hell yes.
H.R.G.O. 1: Death panels.
H.R.G.O. 2: Oh my God.
H.R.G.O. 1: Bloated bureaucracy. Wanton inefficiency.
H.R.G.O. 2: It’s like eating candy. It’s like eating the best candy I’ve ever had.
H.R.G.O. 1: Marginalizing people gets me off.
H.R.G.O. 2: Me, too.
-DJA ’13