Residents of Alabama expressed shock and disbelief when they learned of Russia’s invasion of Georgia last month. As a result, Alabama has went into a state of emergency: civil war re-enactors statewide have been called in for immediate training, country stars have been commissioned to stop writing racist anthems about Arabs and to start writing racist anthems about Russians, top scientists have been hired to resurrect Ronald Reagan, local beer companies have been asked to triple their production rates, and the state’s brightest minds are considering what actions should be taken if Russia actually decided to invade Georgia. Possible solutions include: challenging them to the state football championship game, having everyone close their eyes at once so that Russia won’t see them and will simply pass on by, moving the state where Russia can’t get to it, hiring Jack Bauer, and destroying the state so that there’s nothing left to invade when Russia gets there, cause yeah… that’ll teach them a lesson!
“Tell ya what, I dern reckon it odd that them there Commies made it cross the Atlantic without the USA knocking them back to Australia where they done belong,” said Professor of Political Science Dr. Harold Whiting. He then sighed, and spit tobacco into a nearby bucket. “I guess that’s what ya get when them damn hippie liberals up North take over with their ‘books’ and their fancy ‘reading’. Ain’t nothing I needed to know that I didn’t done learn from the side of a bottle of Jack. In fact, my dissertation was published on a series of cigarette packs. Oh, and of course also on a confederate flag.” The dissertation, entitled ‘USA! USA! USA!’ has been published by the University of Alabama Press and is available with a side order of fries.
Despite the collective genius of minds like Dr. Whiting’s, the citizens of Alabama have always been weary of elitist academics.
In a helpless move of desperation, the state has even asked the national government for help, and has sent the following letter to President Bush:
“Deer Doctor Prezident Pa,
We need helps! Russkees be ‘nvadin soon! Save our soles!
Since yearly,
Alabamama”
In his latest press conference, President Bush addressed the letter. “I’m flattered that these Alabamians would turn to the US for help, but I’m sure the Alabamian Prime Minister has everything under control. And while I understand their concerns about Russia, realistically I believe there’s nothing to worry about. After all, the People’s Free Democratic Republic of Alabama shares only a small border with Russia on its Northern tip, hardly anything compared to the borders it shares with Armenia, Azerbaijan, and,” he paused, lowering his voice, “Irania.” He then smirked and smugly added, “Y’all probably thought I didn’t know where Alabama was, didn’t you?”
Although Alabama remains fearful of the uncertain future, its citizens are perhaps more concerned with the well being of their fellow countrymen. “We’ll never forget what happened in August 08,” said Alabaman Christine Hornswaggle, “even if everyone else I talk to chooses to ignore the fact that we were attacked only a month ago. Nor will I listen to these wild rumors that Georgia somehow got transplanted into Europe- everyone knows that will only happen AFTER baby Jesus comes back.” Most tragically, some Alabamans feared they may have lost loved ones. One young man lamented: “All my cousins live in Georgia! What if they didn’t make it? Who will I marry then? My sister’s already taken!”
• W