In what has been described by critics as a “Quagmire of Biblical Proportions,” God’s prolonged “War on Evil” enters its three hundred thousandth anniversary next month with record unpopularity, a recent Gallup Poll shows.
Of the entire population of Heaven, Gallup reports that 40% disagree with the war, 30% strongly disagree with the war, 20% declined to comment, and 10% agree with the war but only because they are afraid God is listening.
Many of the respondents disagreed with the war’s premise and cannot believe that their voices still have not been heard. “I’m getting sick of You-Know-Who’s stubbornness,” remarked one upset cherub. “Us cherubs are pacifists, and every time we gather for a large protest, we’re all smitten before we can get a word in edgewise! Personally, we think this has nothing to do with good-and-evil. God just wants Hell for its vast soul-rich regions.”
Other respondents questioned God’s motives, which some say were inconsistent. “First, he talked about Satan having some ‘weapons of mass evil’ to use for wiping out Heaven, but we soon found out that there weren’t any such weapons,” complained one resident of Heaven. “Now he’s doubled back and is all ‘we’re doing this to liberate the citizens of Hell!’ I’m no conspiracy theorist here, but didn’t God create Hell, and weren’t he and Satan on good terms not too long ago? I mean, we basically armed Satan, and now we’re going after him!”
Others showed concerned about God’s lack of an exit-strategy, and many were simply confused by the war’s timing. “I’m all for doing away with bad guys, but seriously, is Satan that big of a threat?” asked one angel. “I don’t understand the need to fight him in hell NOW, of all times. We had Satan in our clutches a million millennia ago in the first War Against Evil, but we didn’t invade the innermost circles of Hell back then – what’s so different now?”
In the midst of all this criticism, many of the Archangels who crafted the war are distancing themselves from what they call “God’s war.” One remarked, “This was supposed to attack ALL evil. Why are we just going after Satan? There are thieves, murderers, liars, scammers, Scientologists, and criminals all over the universe, but God is only going after this one guy! I really don’t buy the idea that if we kill Satan, goodness will flourish throughout all beings. If anything, this war has only INCREASED the amount of evil going on throughout the universe, but don’t tell God I said that. He doesn’t like to hear dissenting voices and has a tendency to boot out all officials who disagree with his divine policy.”
Some angels are simply astonished by how ill-prepared the army was for the war. “We were just thrust into the war!” one complained. “I’m used to sitting on a cloud and playing baroque music on the harp all day. I really don’t think it’s fair for me to be sent into a battle zone with an assault rifle and an insufficiently armored vehicle!” Another common complaint amongst soldiers was God’s tendency to extend their tours of duty from a few thousand years to Eternity.
Generally, the most dissatisfaction over the war has stemmed from the cost. “We’ve lost 20 billion souls in this battle,” one respondent complained, “How many more do we have to lose before God finally listens?”
God could not be reached for comment as he was on vacation at his Martian ranch.
-W